It’s been more than difficult finding time to write this post. My husband is away on a networking trip while Kiddo’s in the middle of summer vacation. That puts me on twenty-four hours a day parent duty. I’d probably be a little more frustrated if I didn’t know these networking trips of his were going to start tapering off.
You see my husband’s getting older, and in the spirit of honesty, it’s obvious. He’s getting more wrinkles and creases, but it’s the gray hair that’s really noticeable. My husband has black hair which has gone from lightly dusted to preserved cod salty in the last few years. Of course getting older isn’t a problem per se. He just could look a lot younger if he wanted to.
With all that gray hair, he’s not going to be tapped for any promotion. The quality of his work is going to become less obvious as people start focusing on his whiter hair. I’m sure the university he teaches for is going to want someone a little…fresher to represent them at conferences. I’m afraid it’s going to affect his student evaluations. Those undergrads are going to look at him and think his complete apathy about his appearance clearly indicates a certain indifference toward everything including class planning.
I’m also worried it’s going to affect his social life. He hasn’t said anything, but I think some of his friends have stopped calling. I feel terrible for him, but I can’t blame them. By not coloring his hair, he’s basically throwing his mortality in the face of everyone around him. Who wants to sit next to Mr. Death-is-Inevitable at the dinner party? That’s kind of a bummer.
Of course, it’s going to be harder to make new friends. Everyone says they don’t judge people by appearances, but let’s be honest. We all check a person’s roots before striking up a conversation.
I’ve made subtle comments about the gray hoping he’ll take some interest in his appearance and stop letting himself go. I realize I’m never going to talk him into botox or skin peels, but if he would just invest a little in himself, I think he’d really perk up and be more confident in all areas of his life. It feels like he doesn’t love himself anymore. When he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t see the incredibly handsome man I see. That’s why I want him to dye his hair. I think he would feel more handsome if he would just get rid of the gray.
Watching my husband deal with getting older has made me glad I’m a woman. I’ve been going gray since my early twenties. If had to hide my white hair, at the rate my hair grows…ugh, I’d have spent a small fortune on salon appointments. Fortunately, I’m not a man, and I don’t have to work at making everyone think I’m at least a decade younger than my actual age to be happy with my appearance.
Actually, women don’t really talk about our age that much. Now that I think about it, I’m not even sure I know exactly how old my best buddies are. We’re usually too busy talking about politics, whether or not to refinance our houses, the cost of health care. And sports. I swear my friends and I still don’t get through one round of drinks before someone references Lloyd’s hat trick in the World Cup final. Why would age even come up?
I hope my husband knows that I’ll love him no matter how old he gets and what he looks like. I hope he knows how handsome he is. Gray hair and all.
This of course is a piece of comedy. Although I have, in fact, been going gray since my early twenties. Unfortunately, I have spent a small fortune on trips to the salon. I had coloring my hair in the same category as bathing, an essential and basic part of my self-care routine. But in the last year, afternoons to myself for writing were in short supply. I didn’t want to give up a whole afternoon to painting my hair, so I let my hair grow and grow and eventually ended up with a couple inches of gray hair at my temples.
And life’s pretty much the same. It turns out coloring hair is a choice. One my salt-and-pepper headed husband chooses not to pursue without comment or consequence. I’m going to opt out too from now on. I’m not promising to never color my hair again. But for now, there are other things I’d rather do with my time and money. Will you still invite me over for dinner?
This post is part of Happy Mama Happy Baby‘s Body Positive January. Check out her site for more awesome posts from great writers, book reviews, and giveaways!
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Hi Brynn! I really enjoy your blog! I’m travelling to Brazil with a colleague (we are teachers in the U.S.) to study meditation in public schools in Brazil. I was hoping you might be open to giving me some “local” insight into Brazilian schools. I’m having a difficult time finding relevant information online. Any help would be appreciated!
Hi Audrey! I wish I could be more helpful but my connections to public schools are almost nonexistent. Here’s my truth, for good or bad, I don’t personally know a single parent with a child in public school. Public schools are truly terrible in Brazil, and anyone with even a modest income scrapes together to send their kid to a private school. The only exceptions are military schools and extremely competitive grade schools attached to federal universities. Education like health care, the economy, and the environment…ok, public education like everything in Brazil is in a crisis. I have taught in and worked with students from AMAZING schools in Brazil, but they were all private schools. I wish I could be of more help. I hope your trip is educational and inspiring. I’d love to know more about how public schools here are integrating meditation into the daily routine. That’s a wonderful change!
Hi Brynn! Expat in Governador Valadares checking in here. Meu marido (33) has been balding since his early 20s. While I actually find him more attractive with this “old man” look – he hates it. He’s very self conscious about it. I can’t convince him that if he looks good to me, that’s all that matters. Hehe.
I will concede that while men don’t have the social pressure women do about gray, they do have pressure over losing their hair. It is amazing how concerned people (I am absolutely one of them) are about the opinion of strangers and minor acquaintances. In reality, how many people have ever lost a family member or close for getting old? I hope seu marido eventually comes to believe you and feel your good opinion is all he needs.